김종현 / Kim Jonghyun
April 8, 1990 – December 18, 2017
Probably the main reason that I've been so into idols for the past 10 years of my life compared to other musical fandoms is that they exist not only to be performers and musicians but your friends. Idols create personalities (or have them created) to share with fans and through that create a community and relationship that can foster real comfort and love with both fan and idol. So losing Jonghyun feels like losing one of the best friends I've ever had and probably ever will have.
People saying things like "we had no idea" honestly make me mad when I'm deep in my emotions about it because of course we knew. That's one reason he was so important to those of us that feel the same, he was one of us. He suffered as we suffered and we were going to make it through together. One of my favorite songs of his is Elevator, a song that talks about how he's lost himself and he doesn't know why he pushes forward. You could say it's a form of expression and not a cry for help, but isn't everything? We don't ask for it outright but we always want help, always want more love and more support. And our dear friend Jjong of not quite 10 years provided that. A truly beautiful heart creating art and just radiating everything a friend and comrade in depression should give. And as a fan, he made you truly want to give back.
His music is beautiful, his kindness was beautiful, his activism was inspiring, but what can you say when his companionship is the biggest thing you'll miss? There really isn't anything and there's too much all the time. Grief is bullshit. It rips you apart like no other pain, it takes everything from you. You can't do anything, it doesn't get better, you can't bring them back, you can't feel the way you felt before. You just forget about it for a little while. I lost my father a couple years ago and it still feels like 6 months tops. Every day I think about him and every day I think about Jjong and every day I want to fall into my bed and weep and sometimes I do.
I have repeated this so many times in my life as a SHINee World and a Blinger (what silly names talking about something so serious lol) but I was 16 when I totally fell in love with Jonghyun and he was 18. Through the years it would be an easy way to reflect on how much he has given me, how much SHINee has given me and how much we've grown together. I was 18 and he was 20, I was 20 and he was 22, and as we aged the difference that seemed like so much when I found SHINee disappeared, he became a peer. When you're in your 20s, two years is nothing, especially with the whole worldwide millennials being the lost boys of our age thing. But now I am 25 and he is 27. When I am 27 he will be not be 29. He's going to be part of the hugely tragic 27 club and where will I be?
When I became a shawol is around the same time I started getting help for my depression so hope was something I started to dance around but for a good amount of time before that, I was certain I wouldn't live to graduate high school or turn 18. Before Jjong left us I was thinking "I'm probably going to live to 30 and that's INSANE" but now I'm scared again. If he can't make it, how can I? Suicide is always devastating but celebrity suicides (of people that weren't about to face charges of sex crimes) are especially chilling. When Robin Williams died it gave me another level of fear. If my dreams came true, if I had money and fame and was respected and beloved for my art, it might not change anything. I might suffer like this forever. It shakes you up and makes you feel unsafe in addition to the searing pain of losing someone important to you. What can you do with that? I have no idea.
You see people on twitter every day still praising him. He was a genius, his music and creativity always expanded and improved and he learned how to use his voice so wonderfully. Basically everyone in the world wanted to work with him. He was so kind, so understanding of everyone on this big blue earth, so empathetic and caring and fucking funny. He took care of his family and his members making jokes and being snarky but so full of love the whole time. He spoke up like idols rarely do, standing up for LGBT+ people, women, abuse victims, and he is the only idol as far as I am aware to even acknowledge Black Lives Matter. When he fucked up, which he did, he reflected and he changed. He was educated and educated himself and he shared what he learned and gave voice to the people that taught him. That's rare in anyone let alone a celebrity. Everyone's life means something. Everyone matters and there is no life valued over another. Except for the truly despicable people out there, that's what I really believe but I still find myself selfishly thinking why him. So many people needed him. Need him. I need him.
But I don't. He isn't here and I am. He's up in the moon, up in the clouds priming MJ on Taemin, all that wonderful uplifting stuff. We're all here and the Earth keeps turning.
So, how do we deal? On social media I see him without warning every day. I mute people, block fansites, block his name and other SHINee terms and still I have to see him. Is it better because the people that want to keep living with him, to remember his smile and his joy and his sense of humor and his music? Am I grieving wrong? Is my fear and despair selfish? No. Everyone does this differently and every way relies on doing what you need to do. But you can only tell yourself that so many times, like convincing yourself you don't need someone who's gone, let alone someone who didn't even know you. But I wonder about those who suffer from mental illness, if it's necessarily safe. It's triggering. It's horrifying. I want to be where he is. I want to be in my dad's arms and I want to exist on the same plane as Jonghyun. I don't like existing when he isn't here, I want him back. I need him to come back. And I feel that every time I see his face. What do I do, what do those who feel this way do? I don't know. Because of the same illness, I spend too much time online because I don't want to spend it out in the world. Everyone in the twitter community's lives are so muddled together how can we grieve in the ways we need to? There's no thesis statement to this post, there's no answer. "Get offline," of course, but that isn't realistic for all of us and it certainly isn't permanent.
SHINee has meant everything. I've liked them to varying degrees over the years but they've brought me joy, security, safety, friendship, love, everything. When Onew's scandal dropped (which he has since been cleared of) I was online late at night and I cried like a fucking baby and had to get off twitter because honestly the trust had been broken. I am no stranger to that feeling but coming from a source of joy and family is not a good feeling. Many of us were not okay with just going "Damn I knew he was gross," and other honestly obnoxious stuff I saw online, or "we don't know what happened stop ruining his image," and we took a break from SHINee. I took my posters down because I couldn't look at his face. When we went to see Seventeen, Lala, Alicia, and I joked that Shiny was SVT's European name and that's the group we always liked. We stopped talking about them in the group chat that spawned this blog. We did once and the only response was "I'm heartbroken, I can't deal with this." So all I can say is I'm thankful for myself for taking down my posters before December 18th.
Happy Birthday, Kim Jonghyun. I don't have the strength to remember you properly this year. I can't remember you because you can't be gone. I miss you so impossibly much and I'm scared without you, my faraway friend and pillar. It isn't your fault, though. It's not any of our faults we can just do the best we can. But I hope you know, up in the blue moon, that we love you. We love you so so much and we miss you and you worked so hard. You worked hard and you've done so well. And even if some of us can't see your face today because it hurts we will love you as much as we have ever loved you forever. Anyone who's had the privilege of knowing you loves you and will continue to love you. Thank you so much. You worked hard.
Okay, one pic for the road. I love you Jonghyun and I love you whoever's reading this. Let's take care of each other.
You see people on twitter every day still praising him. He was a genius, his music and creativity always expanded and improved and he learned how to use his voice so wonderfully. Basically everyone in the world wanted to work with him. He was so kind, so understanding of everyone on this big blue earth, so empathetic and caring and fucking funny. He took care of his family and his members making jokes and being snarky but so full of love the whole time. He spoke up like idols rarely do, standing up for LGBT+ people, women, abuse victims, and he is the only idol as far as I am aware to even acknowledge Black Lives Matter. When he fucked up, which he did, he reflected and he changed. He was educated and educated himself and he shared what he learned and gave voice to the people that taught him. That's rare in anyone let alone a celebrity. Everyone's life means something. Everyone matters and there is no life valued over another. Except for the truly despicable people out there, that's what I really believe but I still find myself selfishly thinking why him. So many people needed him. Need him. I need him.
But I don't. He isn't here and I am. He's up in the moon, up in the clouds priming MJ on Taemin, all that wonderful uplifting stuff. We're all here and the Earth keeps turning.
So, how do we deal? On social media I see him without warning every day. I mute people, block fansites, block his name and other SHINee terms and still I have to see him. Is it better because the people that want to keep living with him, to remember his smile and his joy and his sense of humor and his music? Am I grieving wrong? Is my fear and despair selfish? No. Everyone does this differently and every way relies on doing what you need to do. But you can only tell yourself that so many times, like convincing yourself you don't need someone who's gone, let alone someone who didn't even know you. But I wonder about those who suffer from mental illness, if it's necessarily safe. It's triggering. It's horrifying. I want to be where he is. I want to be in my dad's arms and I want to exist on the same plane as Jonghyun. I don't like existing when he isn't here, I want him back. I need him to come back. And I feel that every time I see his face. What do I do, what do those who feel this way do? I don't know. Because of the same illness, I spend too much time online because I don't want to spend it out in the world. Everyone in the twitter community's lives are so muddled together how can we grieve in the ways we need to? There's no thesis statement to this post, there's no answer. "Get offline," of course, but that isn't realistic for all of us and it certainly isn't permanent.
SHINee has meant everything. I've liked them to varying degrees over the years but they've brought me joy, security, safety, friendship, love, everything. When Onew's scandal dropped (which he has since been cleared of) I was online late at night and I cried like a fucking baby and had to get off twitter because honestly the trust had been broken. I am no stranger to that feeling but coming from a source of joy and family is not a good feeling. Many of us were not okay with just going "Damn I knew he was gross," and other honestly obnoxious stuff I saw online, or "we don't know what happened stop ruining his image," and we took a break from SHINee. I took my posters down because I couldn't look at his face. When we went to see Seventeen, Lala, Alicia, and I joked that Shiny was SVT's European name and that's the group we always liked. We stopped talking about them in the group chat that spawned this blog. We did once and the only response was "I'm heartbroken, I can't deal with this." So all I can say is I'm thankful for myself for taking down my posters before December 18th.
Happy Birthday, Kim Jonghyun. I don't have the strength to remember you properly this year. I can't remember you because you can't be gone. I miss you so impossibly much and I'm scared without you, my faraway friend and pillar. It isn't your fault, though. It's not any of our faults we can just do the best we can. But I hope you know, up in the blue moon, that we love you. We love you so so much and we miss you and you worked so hard. You worked hard and you've done so well. And even if some of us can't see your face today because it hurts we will love you as much as we have ever loved you forever. Anyone who's had the privilege of knowing you loves you and will continue to love you. Thank you so much. You worked hard.
Okay, one pic for the road. I love you Jonghyun and I love you whoever's reading this. Let's take care of each other.
Thank you for this post <3333 It's raw, but Im glad you said it. It sums up a lot of my feelings as well
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